Every now and then I think I lose a little piece of my soul, but the other pieces I do have just fill in the blanks. I honestly think that sometimes I’m not built to be sad. there’s too much dopamine, too many things i have to do with my life to be that sad. Sometimes I am sad or anxious on a cyclical basis (i.e periods) but permanently sad isn’t something I’ve felt or honestly something i could do. I think I might have amnesia.

it’s just going to take time internally bc while my well utilized and strong internal crush narcan works and we are adjusting to being friends (I’m adjusting to being friends you probably always wanted to be friends and never really saw me as like a long term interest) it’s strange. You’re my best friend and you can always talk to me about everything and you know I want you to and I will listenBut at the same time I think of us dating I just think about how stressed I was wondering why you liked me but not that much. Or why you did certain things but not other things. Or why we hung out and seemed to have good chemistry but you said it wasn’t good enough. Why I wasn’t good enough. Or why you said the things you said which were seemingly out of the blue that meant you just didn’t like me that much. I’m not sure I would ever date people that i don’t like 100 percent but I didn’t know we were dating to date in the summer. so I separated those two entities. There’s the you, my close friend who I really trust and empathize with. And there’s the boy who I dated who sorta used me and honestly kinda really hurt me (side note I’m really glad we broke up because now my roommates can finally stop see me cry, it’s happened like twice this semester and it’s just ugh. It’s fine though because it’s Julia) that I used to date and then overnight dissipated.  And then there was me day dreaming and confused as usual. this happened once before. me not knowing things were ending and then they ended (i.e that part of you is just over post). I kinda just thought that if you liked me in June you would still like me in September. Things don’t work out the way they want them to and that’s okay. I’ll probably always worry about you a lot. I wasn’t lying when i said I wanted us to be close and I want you around because you are a genuine person that I want as a friend. But I’m also a girl that probably does (or doesn’t) deserve someone who will appreciate me like I want to be treated and I also am tired of being exhausted with dating you and wondering a lot of questions that at the end, don’t actually matter. I think I can actually focus so much better now bc I’m so much less preoccupied about wondering if you were ever gonna ask me. But now I know you aren’t. I really hope you’e gonna be happy in the future with a girl you love and all those sorta things. Don’t worry about me. I bounce back.